Coming out of the Dark

Depression is a horrible thing.  I know that how I feel is nowhere near as horrific as others have it, but I also know that how I feel is probably the way a horrific amount of people feel without being aware that it’s depression, but at least I have that self awareness and having that gives me some power over it.  However, you do have moments where on some level you start thinking, is this the way it’s going to be forever? Am I always going to feel as though I’m just going through the motions, observing from somewhere just behind my own shoulder without feeling a part of it (goldfish bowl sydrome as I call it!) Then, just as you are almost getting used to the fact that everything you do feels as though you are carrying a heavy load with you (http://kiwijan.wordpress.com/2009/03/31/wading-through-mud/) a pleasant bubbling begins somewhere deep inside, gradually, over time spreading itself right through you until one day you find yourself driving along smiling for no better reason than the sun is shining, you’ve got your favourite music on and you’re looking forward to seeing a friend or sitting in a cafe with a trashy mag and a cup of tea!

 

I never treat these feelings with caution, I don’t sit there and say “it’s no use feeling this good, it wont last”, because to treat it with caution would be like handing a gift back that you’d wanted for a long time, you just wouldn’t and you shouldn’t!  This stage of recovery, ‘Coming out of the Dark’, is a bit of a rollercoaster.  Yes you do have times you feel great, which brings enormous relief and gratitude to the people around you that haven’t given up on you, but on the flip side, the lows for a while feel a lot lower and you have to constantly resist the urge to be pitiful and see it as a set back.

 

As the good times get longer and stronger and you become part of life again rather than an observer, the confidence increases and gradually your motivation once again kicks into gear!  I’ve just doubled my intake for my North New Brighton Drama Club for Term 2 and I’ve got another session for younger children on offer too!……not enough fully signed up yet, but I’ve got a few more weeks yet!

 

So there you go, things are looking up and I’m ready for action! xx

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